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Sunday, September 20, 2009

Untitled - 1

My first long story ever!!! Read and please let me know how it was... Thnx :)

Ria opened her diary. The pages were blank in yesterday’s and day before yesterday’s column.

Today’s entry:

Dad is back from the conference. And the moment he entered, I saw Mom’s face. Both looked like the fighters who are ready for the gong.

Oh God! Not again today!! See I haven’t complained to you for the past two days. I’ve been a very good girl. I even came now without having my ‘hugging gift’ from dad. Didn’t dine also. I know mom would be pretty upset if I go now. But please God, stop the noise that is going on outside the door. How many times am I supposed to hear the same accusation, some argument out of nothing again and again ?

“You are the one who cheated me..”

“Hey, you are the one who started.” The voices penetrated the room.

Ria had heard them again and again. She knew them by heart, their words. She can see how they will react. To overcome these unpleasant things, she was trying to smile like the lovely doll, which was resting on the other side of the table.

And she finished her diary with these “Hope everything will be fine soon. Good night God”.

For Ria, diary was this – the one that strengthens her, gives her chance to unburden herself and transfer them into the pages (but they hardly go from her). One can see that in every page of her diary, the last two lines were always the same.

Ria to the doll, the only member in the family who listened her.

“Hey Pinky, I heard that people in married life love each other. Is it so?”

The doll with its smile seemed to reply ‘yes’.

“Then why is it not so with Mom and Dad? Won’t I get any of their affection? Wont I see the lovely world outside? Wont they leave me from their clutches and stay claiming me as theirs? Wont they ever find out that what I need is love and support not their ego and money”.

With all these questions coming out, even the smiling doll lost its charm.

“There is no one to talk to me politely or lovingly? Am I a burden?”

She felt sudden sense of anger rolling out of her mind. Was she a burden?? Is it her mistake that she is born? Are these parents - the word sounded ridiculous to her - going to stop their non-sense?

She rushed towards her parents and stared from one to the other. They stopped on seeing her as if unaware of the fact that she could hear them inside her room too. Ria, tried to even out her voice. But it didn’t work much. “Mamma, Pappa, please! For God’s sake stop your non-sense.” She wanted to faint, so that they can see how much they are affecting her. Atleast then they will realize and come together. But..NO… her Mom and Dad are beyond any explanation or any treaty.

Racked my brain, but couldnt find any suitable tiltle... Suggestions please...

The next part is coming soon :) :) :)


  1. this was an innocent and straight from the heart prose!
    there is still room for improvement, keep up the good work!
    ur on track!

    a single four letter word "RIYA" can be an apt title too!
    the story was about her conciousness, judgement and conclusions!
    and she remained the attention of author from start till end!
    whats say ?

    tc god bless!

  2. @Pulkit
    Thnk u very much for ur constructive comment Pulkit :)I vl try better next time :)

    This one sounds gud!! Noted this..:) just waiting for some more n then have a sutiable one..

    thnx again :)

    Priyanka :)

  3. hi Priyanks...

    Childs point of view.. waiting for the next part..

    and as far as u have said the story, "untitled" is apt too :-)

  4. I also think untitled looks good......
    u described the feelings well..
    waiting for the next installment...

  5. Well, the concept is a bit filmi. But it is still fabulous only because of your narration. Wonderfully told. I loved the conversation with the doll. Lines like, 'even the smiling doll lost its charm,' make the character adorable. Eagerly waiting for the next installment. Pls write soon :-)

    As far as the suggestion for the title is concerned, it can be thought of only after you finish the story, because it all depends on how the story is going to end. For eg, it has started with a negative tone, and if you give a title according to this, it won't make any sense IF the story ends on a positive note, right? (and i humbly hope it has a happy ending). Hope you get it. :-)

  6. @ Rat
    Ya yaar... Thnx for the suggestion :)

    Thnks Rahul :) Vl b posting the next one soon...

  7. @Karthik
    Thnk u very much Karthik. Am glad you liked this part.
    Ya, I vl post it soon n then vl b waiting for ur suggestion! sorry yaar.. I tried to make it neutral in my sense.Can't say it has happy ending. But I hope you vl like that part too..

    Do read tht part(when posted) n tell me how u liked it.

  8. touche! felt sorry for the little girl .... waiting for part 2

  9. Hey Priyanka! Thanks hon.I am fine thanx,Just a big change in my life.Give me your id.Will mail and talk to you
    thank u gal

  10. @Mithe
    I passed my id yaar.... Take care.


Thnx for your valuable feedbacks :)